I like to hold on to things. I can easily see now that I have always had trouble letting go, moving on. I know some people are quick to the next thing, and I like to savor the moment. That’s a good quality I think. I like to get every last drop out of a good thing. I like to soak up every moment of sunshine on a beautiful day. And I love to marvel at my kids and the incredible creation they are. Living in the moment is a good thing. Except if you try to make the moment last longer than it’s meant to.

My “baby” started preschool this week. For the last 7 years I’ve been home with anywhere from 2 to 9 kids at all times. I haven’t finished a cup of coffee or a sentence uninterrupted. I should be quite ready to ship them out and enjoy some quiet. But as they all trickled off to school this year I cried instead…A LOT. How often have I looked at my kids and wanted to freeze this moment? How often have I wished they wouldn’t grow up? How often have I been advised by my elders how fast this time will go and to soak it up, and that has made me only scramble wondering how, just how, I can stop time, hold on to this right here, right now?

God knows this about me, that I have a hard time letting go. Its why He puts me in situations all the time where I have to do it. Like a teacher giving extra worksheets to the kid who struggles with math facts, “try it again Ann,” he slides me another person, another thing to let go of.

Its a good thing its not always up to me. If the sun never set, I’d never come in to bed. If the season never turned to winter, I’d never stop planting and toiling in the dirt. If my children didn’t grow older on their own, I’d never let them. And what a shame that would be.

A friend said it a long time ago, that she hates when people say they want to keep their child this age forever. Because as her children get older, she loves them more. They become more interesting. They grow into who they are meant to be. Of course, they come with more sass and struggle as they get older, but I look at each of my children now and I am so glad they’ve been allowed to grow. As much as I loved their little tiny stages, I love now the most. And that means, I’ll love tomorrow even more.

My aunt reminded me as I was feeling sorry for myself all alone in an empty house, that I would like this next stage too. I will like watching them grow and learn and try new activities and become young adults. But if I hold on too long, I’ll miss that. If I hold them too tightly, they won’t be free to fly.

Letting go is forced on us. It is not optional in this life. You may struggle against it, and the tighter you hold things the more you destroy them, but the truth is no matter how hard you hold on, eventually they will be taken from you anyway. This is life. It’s how it works. And to pretend it’s not, that it won’t come to an end at any moment, or to pretend that you cant extend it by anything you do, is to live in denial of reality.

This is the secret to letting go. Knowing they were never ours to begin with. Knowing I have been given them to care for but not to own, not to control. They are adopted by me here on earth, but adopted by God in heaven. They were given to me to hold inside my body for a few months, only to return to Him. They come live with me sometimes for a weekend or a few months or even years, and then He cares for them in another way. And that’s all very scary except if you understand how much He loves them. When you realize He died for them, it’s really not scary at all.

The secret to letting go, is knowing that as beautiful as this moment is, an even better moment is next. The seed has to die, let go of itself completely, to grow into a huge tree. The grapes have to be crushed to become delicious wine. The wheat is ground beyond recognition before bread can be made of it. One good, really good thing, has to come to an end, for something better to begin, and it all requires sacrifice. Jesus was crushed so that we would live. “Don’t hold on to me Mary, I am ascending” (Jn 20:17) He said after he had died and rose. “Its better for you that I go” (Jn 16:7) He told his disciples “I am sending an advocate.” (Jn 14:16)” “I am with you always even unto the end. (Mt 28:20)

The secret to letting go is knowing the best is yet to come. Here on earth for a while, but in heaven with Jesus forever.

It’s hard to let go of a good thing. I’ve let go of a lot of precious children. I know the heartache well. Can you imagine even letting go of Jesus Himself? That just doesn’t seem right. And yet, He commanded, instructed, advised it. Because better things were coming. How could anything be better than Jesus, than holding on to God himself in this moment? That’s what I would have wondered. I couldn’t see what He was doing. I couldn’t see Him letting the actual spirit of God live inside of me. I couldn’t see God becoming one flesh with me. I can hardly imagine what eternity with Him even means. But just like the disciples and Mary, I’ve seen His good works, I’ve felt His incredible love, I’ve been along for the miracles so far, so I can only believe even greater ones are coming.

So let go mama. Let go, and let them fly. Because this was beautiful, and the next chapter will be even more incredible than the last.