We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last month! I snapped this photo the morning of, and I couldn’t help thinking, here we are again, holding a baby that isn’t ours. Holding a baby we’ve loved almost his whole first year of life but whose future lies in the hands of others. Story of our life.

At every anniversary, we’ve been holding babies with absolutely no hold on what might happen to them tomorrow. I couldn’t help but think our story has been a story of loss, laying children in the ground, handing babies we’ve raised to other people and watching them drive away.

But as I reflected on the last 15 years, on the story of all those other babies, I realized the story has also been about God providing for us in that loss. How He carried us, comforted us, surrounded us with amazing people in our lives, and always blessed us again with even more than we lost.

I realize He uses these hard things to work it all for His good purpose. I’ve seen first hand how He can take the letting go of one child the exact thing that brings 2 more into our lives and I’ve seen Him protect all 3 the whole entire time. And I probably won’t ever see the behind the scenes work He’s doing on their hearts and my heart and the hundred other people our lives touch, but that’s the real stuff that matters most of all.

The story of my life is I worry and over-think and grasp for control even though I’ve seen over and over again that He knows what He’s doing. The story of my life is my lack of trust in God’s faithfulness, and Him showing up every single time anyway. “Even if we are unfaithful, He remains faithful.” Tim 2:13 The story is, no matter how much I don’t deserve it, no matter how much I screw it up, He swoops in to make it all work out for good. He brings blessing from the most broken things. When I think about how Dan and I started out when we first met almost 20 years ago, it makes sense that this is the thesis statement of our whole marriage. Our relationship was beautiful and full of so much joy and blessing, but also broken by sin and unrealistic expectations what marriage would be. It took a break in that relationship, a break in ourselves for us to grow into people that were actually ready to be a gift to each other. Maybe the only cure for self-seeking ideologies is loss of the things we seek the most.

The next 15 years, I pray that I can learn to make the story of my life one of Thanksgiving. For all He’s given, for all that’s been taken, and for all that’s been blessed again “twice as much as we had before.” (see Job 10)

He’s always been there. He’s always provided for us. Every impossible situation He has seen us through. And He’s always found a way to bless us with even more than we had before. The story of my life is a good story. It’s an incredible one. The story of my life is that God has always been faithful even when I have doubted Him.

I hope I can write a better story 15 years from now. I hope I can say the story of my life is complete trust in God and His goodness, even when the world is crashing all around me. Because there is still a baby sleeping in then next room and I have no control over his tomorrow. There are still children I love sleeping in other homes and I can’t control their today. And the next 15 years are going to be full of loss. My kids are going to break my heart a million times over as they struggle through their trauma and figure out who they are. These sweet babies are going to fly off to college or whatever amazing things God has created them for. The extended family, the church family, the friendships we’ve forged so deeply over the past 15 years, we’re starting to learn how we will at some point have to say goodbye to each. When you open your heart to great love you also open it to great loss. I can cringe to think what pain the future might hold for us. But I also dare to dream, even fully expect, to be blessed beyond measure. “Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back.” Luke 6:38 I can expect, just as He has done in the past 15 years, that for every loss given back to Him, He will flood us with blessing of more than we had before. For every tear, there will be laughter. For every pain, there will be healing and even joy (see Jn 16:20). THAT is the story of my life.

Lord, the story is that You have always been faithful. Help me make the story the next 15 years one of thankfulness and trust. If I have lost, then it means I had something to lose that I should be thankful for. “In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thes 5:18

It isn’t easy to be thankful in the midst of loss. But when I look at what You’ve done, I can be. And when I look at what You’ve done, I remember who You are. And when I remember who You are, I know who I am too. A child being cared for by a loving Father who always gives just what we need. And then I remember, this is a good story, and I’m thankful to be in it, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.