Here’s the hard truth. I like being liked. Actually, I really NEED to be liked, and loved. I wish I didn’t. But sometimes I completely take my self worth in the degree to which others like and love me. Ugh, so wrong, the world says. You can’t live life trying to please others. You can’t spend your life trying to be everything everyone else wants you to be. And sometimes, even the people we need to love us most, our closest family and friends, let us down. There aren’t words for that kind of heartache and betrayal, to someone who finds their value in their relationships, for those people to say hurtful things, do hurtful things, simply walk away, there are few deeper wounds to the heart.

This last year has brought me through a few of those that have shaken me greatly, and recently, I shared with a friend my great frustration, with how much it hurts when someone who should love you hurts you instead. Have you ever been in that place? You know all the right things to do. We should love them anyway. We should forgive. Scripture commands it. But we really just can’t? We really just want to be angry about it, or maybe don’t even WANT to be angry but we just are and can’t seem to overcome it? And then that anger seeps into everything else, our other relationships, our peace of mind?

I am so grateful for good friendships in those moments, when our hardness of heart blocks our view of the truth, our reception to the voice God, the ability to soften our heart. She said a few things, but she sent me this photo of Jesus on the cross that said:

Why do we expect to be treated better in this world than Jesus was? (credit unknown)

That does just make everything I am upset about seem pretty unimportant after all doesn’t it? And then I prayed the rosary, all the while thinking of all the things I’ve been wanting to say for months. But the truth is, by the time I get done, the words have changed, from harsh, hurtful things to my own apology. Suddenly, I can see my part in the problem too. It’s not saying the other person isn’t wrong too, but just that after the grace of time spent meditating on who Jesus is I can see how I am failing to love how He loved….

FIRST.

He loved us First. Even before we were family. Before we loved him. While we were nailing Him to the cross. While we were picking apart everything He said and did. While He was healing us, we were finding ways to make that a bad thing. We were selfish, and stubborn, and we never loved Him back, but He didn’t need to be loved back.

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says “I love God,” but hates his brother, he is a liar, for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his borther.” 1 Jn 4:19-21

This is how He is calling me to love too. Because how would that work really? If we only loved people who loved us first? I think we wouldn’t end up with anyone in the end. Everyone is going to let us down. In their sinfulness, everyone is going to fail to love us the way we deserve to be loved. It would be an ugly cycle, I can’t love you because you don’t love me and you can’t love me because I don’t love you? Who could ever love? Isn’t this actually why our world looks like it does? Why there is so much divorce, hurt, division, hatred?

Isn’t this why He gave us this great example, this secret to a good life? Catholics call the beatitudes the secret to happiness. But often, instead of running towards these things, we avoid them. I am guilty often, just like recently, when I was given the perfect opportunity to practice them and instead decided to feel bad for myself. And how I like to shield my kids from them too! I want to protect them from every heartache. But I recognize, then I’d be keeping them from living the beatitudes themselves. I’d be stealing their opportunity to love FIRST. I’d be stealing their joy.

I know it doesn’t seem joyful, when someone is kicking you when you are down. I know everything in me wants to protect myself, cut off this relationship, anything to stop the hurt.

There is a truth that these hurts we were not meant for. It does feel so wrong to be treated that way. But are we really Christians if we only love those who love us in return? Are we really Christians if we do not forgive 7 times 77 times?

I know, that person, those people, should love you better. You are right. But maybe they are doing the best they know how. Maybe they have no idea they are hurting you. And maybe they do, but they struggle with sin just like you and me. Maybe we’re all in the same group of people Jesus was talking about when He said “forgive them Father, they know not what they do.” And maybe, there is peace waiting, when we choose to love them before they love us back. Maybe there is joy in loving someone who may never love us back. Maybe, the only thing I need to teach my children is exactly this lesson, to love expecting absolutely nothing in return. Because that was the great lesson of the cross.

I’m praying for you, pray for me too.